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| why is life so damn unfair? how come life always has to turn out this way? i don't know how much more bad news i can take until i break down.
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| no more crying over spilled milk, time to take control and become a man.
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| my first two exams are coming up and im feeling really nervous. well not as much my child development but my calculus exam. i can't use a calculator and there are only 20 questions so there's not much room for mistakes. i have only 30 minutes in between tests so there is not much time for me to study or prepare in between. im really nervous but if i prepare tonight im confident that i can do it. wish me luck.
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| is love something that can ever be wrong? is love something that can be switched on a dime? can you question of feeling of love or in love? is it wrong for a person to love a certain way? can love not be loving? can you ever change the feeling of love purposefully? can love be both joy and pain? can you fall out of love when you are in love or were in love? is love between someone only happen once or can it happen twice? can you measure love? can love be lost or forgotten? can love be found? how do you love correctly? can you force love or does it come naturally? how can you know love? can love be false? can love be felt when it is not there? can do you create love? can you destroy love? can love be early, on time, or late? can you love when the other person doesn't love you back? how do you fall in love ? is it better to have loved and lost than not loved at all? how is love love?
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| i don't feel that good right now. im trying to get a hold of the grips what happened and how they happened. she is right though all the things that i should have done i didn't do. it terrible to know that it was just to late too realize. its my fault. i was hoping and praying that everything would be ok enough for us to go back to austin so i could show her everything in person how ive changed, reformed, and show her how i could finally be myself by her side and how i honestly felt about her, that i love her. i was going to treat her right and love her so but she had to go. i really wish i actually had that chance to at least have a great week with her.
it was a bit odd for me to have a relationship when all i had seen is the crumbling relationship my parents have. always fighting and yelling. the only love really saw between them was when there weren't trying to get at each others throats. i should have been more in touch with my feelings and been more passionate because i know its there in me i was a complete idiot that's all.
its interesting that this break up has rocked me down to my core. its one of those experiences that really changes you as a person and makes you step back and look at yourself. its one of those changes that you may never go back to. even my own interest like cars and technology has died down alot. i just don't see the appeal in them as i once did before. alot of the appeal was to share it with her. to show something i liked and make her smile. i even decided that after i get out of college i might move to california or really anywhere, i don't have anything left here in texas. i know i fought so hard to stay in texas but i just don't want to anymore. i wanted to build a family here in texas and i thought staying in texas would be a good thing for a family and that if we had kids that her mother could help to her and ease the burden of taking care of them. but now i have no significant other to start a family so there really is no point left here in texas. i might as well look toward the future and start off fresh in somewhere new.
it feels odd to be dumped. i always thought and believed that we were a strong couple because there was a real reason why were were together for 4 years. i thought if i loved me and she loved me then we could work out any problems that came our way. i was willing to change. i was very devoted and loyal in the relationship. if there was a problem with me i would work hard to change it to improve our relationship. i had also invested alot into this relationship because i honestly thought that we would be together forever. i even had money that i was saving to invest in a diamond engagement ring from tiffany's and propose 1 or 2 years before getting out of physical therapy school. and as soon as her mother would allow me to take her on vacations by myself go to all the places that she wanted to move to as to see which one was best to live in like atlanta and boston because i knew she hated texas.
its stinks to be the one dumped compared to the person who dumped you. you are left with so many questions and regretful thoughts. like what if i did this or that would it have ended the same? one question that i think about is that what if i was just more jealous of guys around her and was more protective would that have showed her how much i love and care for her. i'll never know. when you are the one that is dumping the person you already have a mindset, no unanswered questions, and that you are ready to call it to an end to a person who thinks it will never end.
alot of times she has asked me why do i love her and i could never answer correctly without saying because. i didn't know how to answer either for a long time besides the answer that gut feeling, but even before the break up during the summer i was churning butterflies in my stomach, excited and nervous in a good way of an entire week together with her by ourselves. i couldn't stop planning and wondering of all the things we could do, writing down lists, preparing, bookmarking pages, and dreaming of the time we would spend together.
how do you define love is there really a science to it, is it measurable, or testable, factual or not? im not sure how to define love but when she is the first thing i think about before i go to bed, the one person i pray to and thank god for, the one person im head over heels about and do anything to see her smile, the first thing when i think of the future, i know that is love. i love her happy girly go getter attitude, i love the way she has her texas accent even though she hates texas, i love her contradictions to things, i love the silliness she brings to my life, i love the way she looks at me and her eyes sparkling with life, i love the way she brightly smiles when she tells me that she loves me, i love the way she makes me feel warm, special, and secure inside, i love the feeling that i can count on her o always be there, i love the way my hand fits into hers, i love the way she looks absolutely the most beautiful person in the world even when she doubts me with no makeup on and her hair's a mess, i really do love everything about her.
its stupid that i actually wanted to believe in religion since im agnostic, not really for me or spiritual purposes but that if there was a god i would want to spend the rest of eternity with her in heaven.
im not sure how to feel about what i thought was a break. i thought i felt real genuine love that that glimmer of hope there there was still a flame between us that day i came back in the summer. i felt love in that kiss and saw it in her eyes. i felt that connection with her that one last time. you can believe to my surprise to find out that it was not a break, she said it just in the moment of things. i was devastated to think that all this time i believed something that just didn't exist. i always knew there was a slim chance of us getting back together but i just thought that she would make that decision when i could confront her again as a true man or after that whole year was over. i guess it was a good thing to ask her about it already because if not 1 whole year of not knowing and visiting her would have crushed my heart completely to know that she didn't really mean those words that way and not tell me.
although it seems messed up in some eyes of others she really is my best friend. she is the person that i can count on the most to always be there, to listen to me when no one else would, to hear my problems even though im the worst person to get better. i really enjoy our friendship and i would love to be best friends again. it is hard because there are so many emotions and memories with us. its going to be tough but i have to swallow down true hard facts. im trying to talk to her now just as friends, it helps me get used to not be boyfriend and girlfriend by breaking the habit to say honey or i love you. i can always talk to other people but they just don't want to hear what i want to say. no one wants to listen to my problems or get the things that i am excited about. they shrug me off or try to redirect the conversation to other topics. whenever i try to talk about my breakup they always say, just forget about her shes not worth it, or just get over it, or other rude comments about her. i don't think any of them have ever been in love like i have and their words don't seem to help the situation. i guess i just need better friends but good friends are hard to come by and she is one of them. she is my best friend for a reason besides for love,or memories, or emotions. i hope im still her's.
i have no idea what is going to happen to me. i hope good things will happen and that over time my heart will heal. im not sure if i will find someone anyone soon. i don't think im at the moment ready to start a new relationship with someone. since she is beautiful im sure she will find someone, someone that will be able to steal her heart that i couldn't. i guess the staying is true, you don't know what you got till its gone and that the first cut is always the deepest. at least we had a great time while it lasted and i will always cherish the moments we had together.
all i can do now is to look towards the horizon of the rising sun, the future so bright, and the bathe in the light to wash away all my troubles and despairs with hope and love.
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